We're not in Kansas anymore, well, Utah, nor Vegas.....nor California

A little update for those that don't know, I'm in Kentucky.  Short synopsis - was fired from my job in Utah, got stuck in Vegas, moved to San Diego, Shadonna died in May 2011, Noah went into the hospital July 6, 2011, I decided to move to Kentucky in August 2011.  There you go.  I'm on a leave of absence from Home Depot awaiting an answer from Social Security on a disability status and on the VA to up me from 70% to 100%, both of which are promising.  I'll explain some of the disability stuff on the way.  I have some apologies to make and some confessions to make.  This is going to be hard but I've gone through some inspiring stuff lately and it has given me strength.  Also, I've realized that I've told my family nothing and so they don't realize what's going on and it seems to be causing some problems.  I have to warn you, the next few posts are not going to be real happy.  I guess they will be informative for the people who care about what has happened to me and what's going on with me.  But, some of the posts might be helpful for those people who have felt alone in their head or in their sadness or in their panic; for those who have felt let down by the very people they love and thought would never make them feel that way;  for those people who have had to explain mental illness to a loved one and received silence in return.....you are not alone.

I think I need to go ahead and address Shadonna's death.  Let me back up and remind everyone that we lost Nathan (our middle brother) in 2002, in a tragic car accident.  He was 17 years old; weed and alcohol were involved.  The last time I talked to Nathan was on my birthday, I was on my cell phone as I drove back from Louisville and I didn't have my charger.  My phone died and it cut us off.  It was late when I got home so I didn't call him back.  He died the next day.

Shadonna died on May 26, 2011.  The last time I had talked to her was Mother's Day 2010.  She called me to remind me to call Mama.  She was extremely drunk.  I had been working up the courage to tell her I was not going to continue to enable her; she was an alcoholic and smoked weed every day.  She had done every other drug before then but by that time, she was only smoking weed.  I remember her saying, "Pam, you're not happy.  I want you to be happy."  I wouldn't listen because she was drunk and she had become one of those drunks that would try to get all "deep" with you but usually wound not making any sense at all.  She had made it difficult for any of us to be around her or talk to her.  So, I told her that I would not talk to her if she was drunk or high anymore because I didn't like who she was when she was intoxicated.  I told her not to call me if she was intoxicated in any way, if she was, I would hang up on her.  I told her I loved her very much and I hung up on her.  Shadonna was 31 years old.  She died of an undiagnosed heart problem.  It was made worse by a pancreatic infection and we believe this was caused by the alcohol and drug use.  Shadonna was my only sister, there is a very special bond between sisters.  I've lost a piece of me.

It's kind of weird because after Nathan died, I saw him a few times.  I don't know what everyone else believes, hell, I don't even know what I believe on this but I just saw flashes.  It's kind of hard to explain.  I would just see a flash and it was kind of like a reminder that he was still with me in a way.  I didn't get that with Shadonna until this last week.  On her birthday, I went through the pictures of her.  I had pulled one of me and her and put it on the windowsill in my bedroom.  Well, it sat there for two weeks or so and then, all of a sudden, it kept falling off; and every time it fell, it was face side up.  Now, I believe in signs but I wasn't looking at this as a sign until it happened like the sixth time and there was no reason for it to keep falling, especially for it to land like that each time.  So, now the picture is in the kitchen, where I spend a lot of time, and it's where I can "talk" to her sometimes.  Again, I don't know what I think of all this; I'm just kind of doing what my gut is telling me.  Does that make sense?

I want to add something.  When Shadonna died, I was in San Diego.  I didn't have the money to go to Kentucky for the funeral, no one did.  My Daddy came through and paid for the plane ticket.  Now, those of you that know my Daddy, pick yourselves up off the floor.  I'm trying to analyze it.  I don't know if Surelle talked him into it or if it had something to do with his fascination with death as of late.  I definitely am not looking a gift horse in the mouth.  I am EXTREMELY grateful.  I wouldn't have been able to go without the help and it's the first time I've gotten help from him like that.  I'm just wondering about all the little psychological goodies floating around it.

Speaking of the funeral, it was odd; even odder than Nathan's.  I just kept expecting her to get up and join us in socializing.  She didn't look right.  There was only 2 or 3 people there that I wanted to beat down so that was about average.  Someone didn't show so I was one of the pallbearers.  When I said I would do it, the country-ass men surrounding me ignored me and started to go find someone else and I said rather loudly, "I was in the fucking color guard in the Navy, I can do it!"  Everyone looked at me and then nothing else was said or done.  :)  Don't fuck with me when I'm grieving.  The music had Frank Sinatra's - My Way, Dave Matthews' - Where Are You Going, Bob Marley's - Three Birds, and Bruno Mars' - Just the You Are to name a few.  The music was very fitting.  Of course, we had some people there that didn't get it.  They should have been at Nathan's funeral, they would have flipped out when they heard Master P.  I was ok until the end.  I had to tuck my baby sister into her coffin before they shut it.  Take that in........

I had to tuck my baby sister into her coffin.....

I hope none of you ever have to experience that.  If you have, I'm with you.  I'm going to quit for now.  I won't leave you on a such a sad note though.  Here's a happy pic of Shadonna:

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